Chapter 13
Christine had to go home after two hours, but since she lived only a few houses away from her parents’ house, she invited the three visitors to come with her and meet her husband and her three children. Six year old William pushed himself protectively in front of his younger siblings when three strangers entered the house without warning. But once Dannie barked outside, four year old Catherine bravely stepped forward and asked politely if she was allowed to play with ‘the doggy’.
Dannie started to play with the children and soon all skepticism about the guests was gone. Even little Johnny tried to throw sticks for Dannie, which wasn’t easy with his short arms. Like their father Eric Levinson, the two boys had almost black hair and resembled their mother more than the blonde Catherine, who looked a lot more like her father.
Mr. Levinson joined them only temporarily because he had customers at his apothecary. To Therese, it seemed that he wasn’t very keen to meet her sister-in-law anyway – Mr. Bradley had told her that Eric Levinson had been one of the people who were convinced that Oliver Cromwell and his allies were nothing but traitors and would ruin England in no time. Thus, he probably didn’t want to have much to do with Harold Aird’s daughter, or maybe he wasn’t a very cordial person anyway.
Unlike him, the children came to trust the visitors very quickly and they thoroughly enjoyed the attention they were getting. It was also obvious that Nerinda relished her role as an aunt, although the kids didn’t know anything about it. The adults had decided not to tell them the news about their family, at least for now, because they didn’t want to unnecessarily confuse them.
Time flew, and when the sun set over the roofs of Oxford, Christine invited her guests to stay the night and travel back to London in the morning. They accepted gratefully and Dannie sighed contentedly when he was allowed to curl up next to Therese’s bed.
The Levinsons had to get up early the following morning and Nerinda, Philippe, and Therese politely joined them for breakfast. Nerinda had decided to visit her mother in the afternoon and she asked Christine to come with her to Westminster. Therese choked on her food as she heard Nerinda’s question, but fortunately Christine declined. It wasn’t very wise to ambush Carolyn like that and Christine needed to get accustomed to the situation as well, before she felt ready to meet her mother.
Mr. Levinson was already at his apothecary when the three visitors said farewell to Christine and the children. Billions of dew drops covered the meadows and fields when they left Oxford, but the dampness in the air disappeared quickly as the sun rose in the sky.
“Do you want to accompany us to Westminster or shall we take you somewhere, Mr. Belivet?” Philippe asked as they passed Stadhampton.
Therese hadn’t thought about anything else, since they had left Oxford, yet Philippe’s question took her by surprise. For some reason, it felt as if it became real only now, at this morning, that she had to make a decision. Would Carolyn even want to see her after all these years? And who would Therese meet? How much of the Carolyn she had known back then was still there?
Therese was aware that she had created a picture of Carolyn Aird over the years that was rather a fantasy image than reality. It had served her as a projection surface for her longings, for everything she couldn’t have in her life and never would. Was it really wise to destroy all this by a brief encounter with reality?
“Please, Mr. Belivet,” Nerinda pleaded next to her. “My mother has made herself unapproachable to everyone, even me.” She grabbed Therese’s arm. “Maybe it will be like that for the rest of her life, but isn’t it at least worth a try to visit her? Maybe meeting you and also the news about my sister will take her mind off of things.”
Therese could hear Nerinda’s love for her mother in every syllable. It wouldn’t be fair to her to simply go back to Rome, just because she was afraid. And that she was. The idea of facing Carolyn immediately threw her into a panic and she discreetly wiped the beads of sweat from her forehead. “All right.” She gave in eventually, which earned her a bear hug from Nerinda. “But I won’t stay long.”
During their ride to Westminster, Therese regretted her decision a hundred times. More than once she felt the impulse to just jump from the carriage and let Philippe and Nerinda continue their trip without her. But the fact that Carolyn seemed to have completely turned away from life kept her in the carriage. She couldn’t be a coward now because Nerinda was right: it was worth a try.
The sun burned on their heads when they arrived in Westminster late in the afternoon, but Therese’s hands turned cold as ice at the sight of Carolyn’s new home. “Here we are,” Nerinda announced, taking Philippe’s hand as she got out of the carriage. “You better wait here, Mr. Belivet. My husband and I will be enough surprise for my mother.”
Therese was more than fine with that. “Go ahead, Nerinda. Your mother probably doesn’t want to see me anyway.”
She sat down on a big stone in front the house and Dannie put his brown head on her lap as she waited nervously for Nerinda’s return. While she was trying to get her heartbeat under control, her gaze fell on a knotted oak tree in front the house that had to be at least a hundred years old. What might this tree have seen in the course of its long life? How much joy, how many tears, love, fights, quarrels, jealousy, grief, famines, and overstuffed granaries. How small were Therese’s own difficulties in view of the things that were happening in her country. At this time, nobody could say whether England would become a shining example for all other states in Europe, or if it would go down without mercy.
Dannie seemed to be surprised by his mistress’ nervousness and did his best to distract her from her thoughts. Therese scratched him between his ears, trying hard to get enough air into her lungs and to calm her rapid pulse.
She tried to imagine Carolyn walking on this street every day, opening and closing the front door, walking around in the garden, buying eggs and vegetables at the market. It felt weird that Carolyn had actually lived here all these years while Therese had treated her as if she had died.
After what felt like an eternity, Nerinda and Philippe finally came back – without Carolyn. Nerinda had a strange expression on her face when she walked to Therese with quick steps, waving her closer. “I’m sorry that it took us so long,” she apologized. “We told my mother about a visitor, but she didn’t want to see anybody.”
“Well, okay, then we should …” Therese turned around to leave.
“No, no, Mr. Belivet. Not so fast.” Nerinda grabbed Therese’s sleeve. “We explained to her that the visitor had undertaken a long journey to see her. So she agreed, although reluctantly. Don’t pitch your hopes too high.”
“Are you sure I should go to her?” Therese looked at the front door indecisively.
“Yes.”
“Very well.” Therese suppressed a sigh and straightened her shoulders. “Did you tell her about the Bradleys?”
“No, not yet.” Nerinda walked with Therese to the door. “We didn’t want to confuse her even more. Maybe you will find a way to tell her.”
“I doubt that,” Therese murmured, stopping in front of the door.
“My wife and I will take a long walk now,” Philippe announced, offering his arm to Nerinda. “And we’ll take Dannie with us.” The dog jumped to his feet when Philippe threw a stick in the street.
“Good luck, Therese,” Nerinda whispered into her ear before she began to stroll along the street with her husband.
Therese looked after them with a mixture of envy and relief. She would prefer a long walk too right now but at least Nerinda and Philippe were tactful enough to leave her alone with Nerinda’s mother. It couldn’t get worse than it had already been in the last fifteen years, so Therese decided to get it over with as quickly as possible.
She tugged on her jerkin one last time and determinedly walked through the white front door. She found herself in a corridor with dark stone tiles that led to several other doors. Therese guessed that the chamber behind the big double door at the end of the hall was probably the living room. She swallowed when she recognized some of the furniture from the Essex House in the corridor. But there was also a lot of new purchase.
Therese stopped in front of the double door and before she could change her mind, she knocked distinctly at the door and opened it. A thousand times she had imagined this moment, and yet the sight of Carolyn caught her off guard like on the very first day. Carolyn stood at the window and turned around when she heard the creaking of the door. Her hair had some grey strands by now and she was even thinner. But it was unmistakably Carolyn Aird whose blue eyes stared at Therese in disbelief.
“Mr. Belivet?” Carolyn’s voice was throatier and deeper than back then. It was noticeable that she didn’t use it much.
Therese closed the door behind her with shaking hands. “Nerinda and Philippe took a walk.” She shot a shy glance at Carolyn. “May I come closer?”
Therese wasn’t sure if Carolyn had heard her question because she was still standing at the window and didn’t react.
“Carolyn?”
Finally, something stirred in Carolyn’s face. “Therese?”
All of a sudden, everything Therese had planned to say became null and void. Before she knew what was happening, she was running to Carolyn and taking her into her arms. Immediately, the familiar scent reached her nostrils that she would recognize among thousands of scents. She felt Carolyn’s hands on her back and her slender shoulder blades under her own fingers.
“I need to sit down,” Carolyn whispered and walked with Therese to a red sofa that Therese knew already from the Essex House. It had been in the chamber next to the music room and Therese had always admired its beauty.
Only now that she sat so close to Carolyn, Therese noticed how much she had changed. Her face was pale and she was much too thin, and the dark rings under her eyes hadn’t been there before either.
Therese reached for Carolyn’s hand and squeezed it. As if no time had passed, she felt the touch in every fiber of her body. “It’s nice to see you,” she said softly. She looked down at their hands and couldn’t believe how familiar Carolyn’s touch still felt. They were worlds apart after all these years – Therese knew that. Yet, there was something timeless, outlasting she couldn’t quite grab.
Carolyn didn’t say a word, but her face revealed shock and confusion. Therese wasn’t even sure if she was actually glad to see her. There was also something aloof and standoffish in Carolyn’s attitude that made Therese withdraw her hand again.
They just sat there for a while and Therese desperately tried to remember what she had planned to say. Her head felt completely empty and at the same time it threatened to burst with questions. She grabbed the first straw her brain could catch. “I’m sorry about your husband,” she said quietly. “Nerinda told me.”
Carolyn looked at her, confused. “Hadn’t you heard of it? The whole world talked about it.” She shook her head. “The memorial ceremony took place in Westminster Abbey. It was like a state ceremony.”
“I… I was in Bavaria at that time,” Therese muttered ruefully. “I hadn’t gotten any messages for years during the war. I didn’t even know if my sisters were still alive.”
“And were they?”
Therese knew Carolyn still well enough to know that she didn’t only ask out of genuine interest. It was also a strategy to turn the focus away from her. Therese decided to grant it to her, as she hadn’t pre-announced her visit after all. “Yes, they’re all doing well, as far as I know,” Therese responded, trying to suppress the trembling in her voice.
“When did you see them last?”
“Fifteen years ago.” Therese looked down to avoid Carolyn’s scrutinizing gaze. “When I left England.”
With a start, Carolyn got up from the sofa. “You’ve never been to England again?” she asked in disbelief. “I thought your family was so important to you.”
Therese didn’t dare to look at her. What was she supposed to say? It was too easy to blame fate or the war. She had deliberately avoided traveling to London because she had been afraid that she wouldn’t be able to resist the temptation to see Carolyn. The whole mess would have started all over again and that wouldn’t have helped anyone.
Carolyn rolled her eyes and walked to the opposite side of the room where the harpsichord stood. “Then why are you here now?” she asked, perceptibly upset. “All these years you knew where I was. Do you have any idea how long I have waited for a sign from you?” She ran her fingers through her hair – a gesture so familiar to Therese it was as if she had seen it only yesterday. “All I asked of you was to drop by every now and then,” she said bitterly. “But you never came. Not once. I didn’t even know if you were still alive.”
A long suppressed anger erupted like a volcano in Therese and she jumped up from the sofa. What gave Carolyn the right to talk like that? She’d had her nest here and her family, which Therese had never had. It wasn’t fair that she, who had decided to stay with her husband, blamed Therese for not enduring the pain. “And how exactly did you imagine these meetings?” she asked in a low voice. “That I watch you living with your husband?” She walked toward the door with quick steps. “I have a heart, too!” she threw at Carolyn.
“My marriage meant nothing to me and you knew that,” Carolyn shot back.
“You supported your husband wherever you could, as it is right and proper for a good wife.” Therese reached for the door handle. “I don’t blame you for that. It was probably a blessing for our country. But I didn’t have a place in your life.”
“You had the greatest place of all,” Carolyn said quietly. “Don’t you know that I loved you?”
Therese’s hand dropped weakly from the door handle as all energy left her. “Then why did you reject me back then?” she asked with a last trace of defiance.
“We would have risked your life.” Carolyn shook her head at Therese’s question. “Do you think I’m out of my mind?”
“It would have been my life,” Therese hissed. “I would have risked it gladly … for every single moment with you.” She suddenly realized how tired she was. Tired of their fight, tired of everything, tired of her own life.
“I couldn’t risk losing you.” Carolyn sounded exhausted and resigned as well. It seemed they had always the same argument, no matter what time or year it was. “Can’t you understand that?”
“That way you have lost me even more.” Therese said the words with a mixture of frustration and bitterness. Of course, she understood Carolyn’s motives, but that didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt.
“At least you’re alive.” Carolyn’s voice trembled. “And I could take care of my daughter.”
Therese looked up at the ceiling. The point wasn’t that she didn’t understand Carolyn’s decision. The point was that Carolyn had never tried to understand hers. Their arguments were fruitless and the longer Therese stayed, the worse it would get. “I needed to get away,” she said, opening the door. “But I was never able to forget you.”
She was almost out the door when she heard Carolyn sobbing. The quiet noise tore Therese’s heart apart and her resistance collapsed like a house of cards.
In three steps, she was next to Carolyn, but Carolyn raised her hands in defense as Therese was about to come closer. “Why did you come, Therese?” she asked under her breath.
Yes, why had she come? It would have been easy to answer that question an hour ago. But now? Little by little, Therese started to realize that she hadn’t come for Nerinda’s sake. Nor had she come for Carolyn’s sake. She had come for her own sake, plain and simple.
Deep inside of her, she had always known that her feelings for Carolyn had never really stopped. Even though she had known and understood that Carolyn would never leave her family, her heart hadn’t stopped missing her. But she hadn’t dared to imagine that Carolyn was actually still thinking of her.
And while Carolyn was standing in front her, waiting for an answer, Therese realized that she would never be free if she didn’t clarify things now. With all her might, she fought against her own fear and looked into the blue-grey eyes that she had missed so much. “Would you still want me?” she asked so quietly that she wasn’t sure Carolyn had actually heard her.
But Carolyn had heard her. “How can you even ask me that?” she whispered.
Carolyn said something else after that, but the whooshing in Therese’s ears drowned the rest of her sentence. All Therese could focus on were Carolyn’s hands which touched her own. And all Therese could do in her fuzzy-headed state was to kiss her. Her cheek, her forehead, her eyebrows, her nose, her mouth.
There wasn’t a question in her kiss, no searching, no hesitating. She just wanted to feel Carolyn again, wanted to dive into her. And when she heard Carolyn sigh, the iron ring around her heart that had been there for years and years, burst into a thousand pieces in one single moment.
“When do Nerinda and Philippe come back?” Carolyn leaned her forehead against Therese’s.
“I’m sure it will take a while,” Therese responded vaguely. Carolyn didn’t need to know that her daughter took her time on purpose.
“When will you leave again?”
“I can stay for a while.”
“That’s good.” For the first time, Therese saw Carolyn smile and it took her breath away. More than their touch, more than their kiss, it was this smile that lifted years of black heaviness from Therese’s shoulders.
“Don’t cry,” Carolyn whispered, wiping a single tear from Therese’s face.
“Can we go somewhere else?” Therese whispered back. She felt like she would break down any moment.
“Where do you want to go?” Carolyn softly kissed her lips and the ground swayed under Therese’s feet.
“Everywhere.”
“Upstairs?”
“Yes, take me to bed.”
Without another word, Carolyn took Therese’s hand and guided her upstairs into her bedroom. Therese noticed only from the corner of her eye that the portrait she had once painted hung on the wall over the dressing table. But she was too overwhelmed to really realize it. Carolyn’s lips were on her neck and Therese felt like dying.
Silently, they took their clothes off and Therese pushed Carolyn into the soft mattress. It felt so surreal that she was really here. In England. In Westminster. With Carolyn.
Carolyn turned Therese on her back and started to cover her naked body with kisses. Every spot started to glow under her lips and Therese felt like her blood was nothing but thick, hot lava and her body the volcano. How could she have ever forgotten what Carolyn made her feel? Therese was on the edge of fainting, but there was something she wanted, needed to say. “I love you, Carolyn,” she whispered. “I always have.”
Carolyn’s tongue delved into her mouth and when their sexes touched, Therese could feel how wet Carolyn was. Overwhelmed by a sudden wave of desire, she rubbed her sex against Carolyn’s, pushing herself against her body.
“No, please … not so fast, Therese …” Carolyn pulled away, catching her breath. “This is too much,” she gasped. “I’ll die if you go on like that.”
“I’ll die if I don’t go on like that.” Therese blushed deeply. “Please, let me touch you.”
“Then touch me.” Carolyn pulled Therese’s hand away from her thighs and put in on her cheek. “Touch me, Therese.”
Therese let herself down on Carolyn’s body with her entire weight. Even the last cell in her body needed to feel that Carolyn was there. That this wasn’t a dream, and that this time she wouldn’t need to sneak out like a thief who had done something wrong. “Better?” she whispered into Carolyn’s ear.
“Hmmm.” Carolyn sighed as Therese’s lips went to the sensitive spot beyond her ear. “Give me some time,” she panted. “Not even an hour ago I was convinced I’d never see you again.”
Therese’s lips went to Carolyn’s other ear. She wished she could go slower, but something inside of her had just snapped. Fifteen years she had resisted the temptation to see Carolyn and now she couldn’t even wait a brief moment. “Then promise me that we’ll see each other tomorrow,” she murmured, rubbing her cheek against Carolyn’s.
“You didn’t really answer my question earlier.” Carolyn closed her eyes when Therese kissed her neck. “How long can you stay?”
“That depends …” Therese withdrew her head, so that she could look at Carolyn.
“Depends on what?” Carolyn tenderly brushed a strand of dark hair out of Therese’s face.
When Therese didn’t respond, Carolyn took her hand and kissed the knuckles. “This house here …” She pointed towards the door with her head. “… is a nice big one. Big enough for two … I was hoping … I was hoping you might like to come live with me.” She avoided Therese’s gaze at first, but then turned her head and looked at her. “Would you?”
“As your lover?” Therese smiled sadly and kissed her chin. “How’s that supposed to work? You are a lady and I’m just an artist.”
“No, not as an artist.” Carolyn’s eyes betrayed her fear but she held her gaze. “As a friend.”
“You mean as a female friend?” Therese pulled away abruptly and sat up on the bed. “You’re mad.”
“No, I’m not.” Carolyn propped her head on her elbow. “Just think about it, Therese. Nobody would get suspicious. You’re just a friend living with me because I’m a widow and you … you … don’t have a husband either. So it makes sense, doesn’t it?”
Therese stared at the ceiling as if the answer was written somewhere on its patterns. Carolyn’s suggestion was bold and completely crazy. “Lady Carolyn and Therese, the weaver’s daughter, ought to be friends?” she asked, frowning. “How’s this supposed to happen?”
Carolyn ran her index finger over Therese’s hip, smiling at the goosebumps she was leaving. “You know more about the power of clothing than anybody else,” she said seductively. “We’ll get some really nice gowns for you and nobody will ask any more questions.”
“What about my job?” Therese knew deep inside that she would make this sacrifice if necessary. But it would be very, very difficult. Her soul needed painting like the air to breathe.
“Whatever you like.” Carolyn bent down and kissed the spot on Therese’s hip where her fingers had just been. “The heritage Harold left me will be enough to live on. But I would never keep you from painting portraits as Theodore Belivet – as long as you always come back to me.”
Therese closed her eyes, trying to keep her head from spinning. Involuntarily, she thought of the moment when she had stood in front of Carolyn’s mirror in the Essex House. The longing she had felt, looking at her own reflection. The longing to be who she really was. Therese had wrapped and locked up that longing as perfectly as her feelings for Carolyn when she had left England.
Was she able to live as a woman again after all this time? Besides, she wouldn’t only need to live as a woman, she would need to live as a lady. Her whole life would change overnight. The truth of the matter was that she would just exchange one lie for another, but at least this was a way to live with Carolyn. And this lie didn’t feel as huge as the other one. She would just be “the friend Therese Belivet”, and from time to time she would travel to other places as Theodore Belivet.
“I understand that you don’t want to give up painting,” Carolyn said softly. “I know how much it means to you. Half of the world wants to be portrayed by you,” she added with a tender smile. “I know I’m being selfish.”
Therese shook her head silently. “Painting has helped me to survive,” she said slowly. “But only in your presence do I feel alive.”
It was strange to say something like that – they hadn’t spent more than a few weeks of their lives together after all – but it was the truth. Therese looked up and blushed when she saw the love in Carolyn’s eyes. “I know what you mean.” Carolyn smiled.
“Nerinda told me that I never really went away,” Therese murmured, a little embarrassed. “And I’m afraid she was right.”
She hadn’t finished her sentence, when Carolyn pulled back. “Nerinda?” she asked, visibly confused. “What does Nerinda have to do with this?”
Therese sighed when the reason for her journey came back with a rush. How could she explain to Carolyn what had happened? “That’s a long story,” she said cautiously.
“Therese.” Carolyn moved even further away from her. “What’s going on here?” she asked harshly. “Nerinda acted as if you had just met by accident. But you don’t sound like that at all. Did she ask you to visit me?”
“Well, yes, in a way,” Therese had to admit. “But I wouldn’t have come if I hadn’t wanted to.”
“Oh, I see.” Carolyn’s voice wavered with anger. “So this is one of Nerinda’s We-need-to-get-mother-out-of-her-melancholia-plans. Tell me, Therese, did she offer you money?”
“Are you insane?” Therese helplessly watched Carolyn entrench behind a thick wall. “Of course not,” she repeated, shaking her head. “Carolyn, please, let me explain …”
“I’m not sure I want to hear that.” Carolyn was about to leave the bed, but Therese grabbed her arm.
“Stay here and listen to me,” she said with an authority she hadn’t thought she was capable of. But it had the intended effect, because Carolyn actually sank back onto the bed and crossed her arms before her chest.
“Whatever you have to say, do it quickly,” she said coolly. “I don’t want to waste my time.”
Therese would have loved to take her into her arms but she knew Carolyn wouldn’t let her. “Please promise me that you will hear me out until I’m finished,” she urged her, which made Carolyn even more suspicious. Biting her lip, she looked at the opposite wall where the portrait hung. It hadn’t lost any of its radiance, and the fact that Carolyn had kept the painting and had even hung it on a wall in her bed chamber, made Therese’s heart swell with pride and happiness.
With a nod, Carolyn gave her agreement and Therese took a deep breath, bracing herself for everything that was about to happen. “Nerinda visited me in Rome,” she started and deliberately ignored Carolyn’s frown. “She had a request and wanted me to help her.”
“What kind of a request?” Carolyn asked, pointedly bored, but Therese didn’t let herself fool by her attitude. Of course, Carolyn wanted to know why her daughter would undertake the weary journey from Paris to Rome.
“Carolyn …” Therese made a helpless gesture. “I can’t tell you this without holding your hand.” She waited patiently for Carolyn’s response. “Can you please allow me that?”
Carolyn turned flat on her back and offered her hand like an object that didn’t belong to her. She closed her eyes when Therese kissed the palm of her hand, but didn’t say anything.
“It’s not what you think,” Therese explained, pulling Carolyn’s hand towards her chest. “She didn’t come because of you, but it concerns you, too. So again, I beg you to listen to me until I’m finished.”
Carolyn eyed her suspiciously, but didn’t put up resistance.
Therese had no idea how to say the next words without saying them. There was no going back now. “Do you remember that Nerinda visited several hospitals during her engagement period?”
Carolyn nodded silently and Therese could see that she wondered – like Therese had done back then – what Nerinda’s hospital visits had to do with her journey to Rome.
Therese was so captivated by her attention for Carolyn that she had started to breathe flatly and she forced herself to calm down. “On one of these hospital visits Nerinda met a patient who was ill with typhus,” she continued. “The patient looked a lot like her and Philippe noticed the resemblance, too.”
Therese cautiously watched Carolyn from the side, but she was just lying on her bed motionlessly and listened to Therese’s words with a straight face. “Nerinda told me she had always wondered why she hadn’t had other siblings, because she knew that her parents had already been married for a long time when she was born.”
For the first time, Therese registered a subtle restlessness in Carolyn’s limbs and she hurried to go on. “Nerinda suspected that the woman she had met at the hospital could be her sister.”
Carolyn closed her eyes, but her stiff body was tensed up like a bow right before the shot. She didn’t move at all and didn’t react either when Therese kissed the palm of her hand before putting it back onto her chest.
“You promised to listen to me,” Therese reminded her softly. “Nerinda told me she had tried several times to talk to you about it, but she didn’t succeed. Eventually, desperate as she was, she started to read extracts from your diaries.”
“What?!” Carolyn opened her eyes wide and tried to tear away from Therese. But Therese didn’t let her go and after a while Carolyn fell back into the cushions with a frustrated grunt. “How dare she?” she hissed.
“Your daughter was desperate, Carolyn. She couldn’t get through to you anymore.” Therese knew very well that there was no excuse for Nerinda’s behavior. Carolyn had every right to be angry at her. But she should at least understand that Nerinda had tried all other ways. “She also read about us in those diaries.”
“Oh God,” Carolyn moaned, putting her hand on her eyelids.
Therese hurried to continue with her story, before Carolyn threw her out of the chamber. “That’s why she knows that I’m a woman,” she explained. “And your servant Abigail seemed to have encouraged her to visit me and ask me questions.”
“Abigail?” Carolyn’s eyes flashed with fury. “Nerinda talked to Abigail behind my back?”
“Carolyn.” Therese pushed her gently back onto the mattress. “You shouldn’t underestimate how much you have shot yourself off of the people who loved you. Of course that entailed consequences.”
“Are you telling me that it’s my fault that my own daughter reads my diaries and people band together behind my back?” Carolyn was so furious that Therese was afraid she would break something any moment.
“No, of course not.” Therese shot a worried glance at the door. She could only hope that Nerinda and Philippe kept her promise to stay away longer. Otherwise, Carolyn might throw all of them out of the house. “What Nerinda did, wasn’t right. There’s no doubt about that,” Therese emphasized and put her arms around Carolyn before she was able to resist. “But honestly, we can talk about these things later. The most important thing is that Nerinda asked me a question and I gave her the response she needed.”
Therese felt Carolyn freeze in her arms and pulled her even more against her body. “Long before Nerinda visited me, she had tracked down the woman in question,” she explained. “But she didn’t want to do anything, before she hadn’t any kind of confirmation about her suspicion. And when she had it, Nerinda and Philippe travelled to Oxford to meet that woman. And I accompanied them.”
Finally, Therese loosened her grip but kept both of her arms around Carolyn. “Your oldest daughter Maria is alive, Carolyn,” she said softly. “A doctor in Oxford and his wife raised her – very nice people, we’ve met them – and meanwhile she is married to an apothecary. Her name is Christine Levinson and she would like to meet you.”
Therese released her embrace as she noticed that something was wrong. Carolyn seemed to be in some kind of shock. Her eyes were wide open and she struggled for air as if she was drowning.
“Carolyn?” Therese took her face in both of her hands and covered it with kisses. When Carolyn didn’t react she pulled her so tightly into her arms that she was afraid of hurting her. “Please, say something, Carolyn,” she begged. “Come back to me.”
Suddenly, Therese felt a trembling, and it took a while before she realized that it was Carolyn. Her whole body seemed to rear up, shaking and quivering and Therese held her as tight as she could.
The shaking didn’t stop and all Therese could do was lie next to her and not leave her side. Finally, the trembling subsided and turned into sobbing. Carolyn’s whole body shook with uncontrollable sobs and Therese whispered loving words into her ear and kissed the tears from her cheeks.
After a while, the sobbing decreased too and it became silent in the bed chamber. Only Carolyn’s irregular breathing was audible. “What about Anna?” Carolyn’s hoarse voice broke the silence. “Did you hear anything about her?”
Therese kissed her damp cheek, relieved that Carolyn seemed to be responsive again. “We don’t know if she’s alive or not but we have the name of a man who we can ask. The man lived in Rome for several years and I will gather more information as soon as I’m back.”
Carolyn breathed heavily in Therese’s arms. “And Maria really wants to see me?”
“Christine? Yes, that’s what she said. She’s waiting for your invitation.” Therese ran her fingertips over Carolyn’s eyebrows and kissed away the tiny beads of sweat on her forehead. “And there’s something else,” she added. “Christine has three children – two boys and a girl. So you actually have grandchildren, even though the kids don’t know it and probably won’t for a long while.” She kissed the sticky strands of hair on Carolyn’s wet temple. “The boys look a lot like you.”
Carolyn’s eyes filled with tears. “I’m so shocked about myself,” she said, more to herself than to Therese. “I hadn’t realized how much I must have retreated from the people around me. And I hadn’t noticed that even my own daughter couldn’t reach me anymore.” She wiped the wetness from her face with the back of her hand. “What did I do to her? She means everything to me.”
“Nerinda knows that she means the world to you.” Therese interrupted Carolyn’s self-reproaches with a kiss. “But I’m sure she will be happy if you spend more time with her again.”
“Yes, I will.” Carolyn frowned. “Over the last years, I grieved so much about what I couldn’t have, instead of enjoying what I had.” She bent to Therese and kissed her cheek. “Wasn’t that what I had blamed you of in the past?”
“I don’t really remember,” Therese said vaguely, although she still knew every single word of Carolyn’s two letters by heart. But Carolyn didn’t need to know that. “It’s more important to look ahead instead of looking back,” she said diplomatically.
“And what do you see if you look ahead?” Carolyn’s question was uttered calmly, but Therese noticed she was holding her breath.
“I see a life in Westminster … in this house,” she said hesitantly, hoping that Carolyn still saw something similar, even after everything Therese had just told her. “… by the side of the person I love.” She dropped her gaze when Carolyn didn’t say anything. “What do you see?” she prompted.
Carolyn sighed and kissed her naked shoulder. “Life.”
It was only one word, but in the blink of an eye, Therese felt a happiness she had never felt before in her life. Yes, she would live with Carolyn in Westminster. She would belong to somebody from now on. She would have a home, maybe even kind of a family, and a person that meant everything to her.
A lot of things would change in the next months, but Therese liked the idea of working less a lot better than she had thought. She had painted so many portraits in her life that she couldn’t wait to focus more on landscape painting in England. There was still so much to explore, so many scenes, so many moments she wanted to capture.
She would see her sisters more often from now on. She would make weird bets with Beth again, she would finally meet Eda’s and Martha’s husbands and maybe she would even renovate her parents’ house and the weaving mill.
“Harold has left me so much money,” Carolyn interrupted her musings. “… that I’m wondering if I should do something with it – for a good cause, I mean.”
“That’s a great idea.” Therese kissed Carolyn’s grey hairline. They had gotten older, both of them; they had changed over the years. But there was still something big, something vital, that hadn’t changed at all and that was young like on the very first day. “What are you thinking about?”
“Maybe a home for orphans?” Carolyn tapped on the blanket with her fingers, deeply in thought. “Do you think that would do me good?”
“I think it would do you very good.” Therese loved Carolyn’s idea. She needed to feel useful again. “The children would need somebody who knows a lot about medicine,” she mused.
Carolyn smiled and they went silent for a while. “Therese?” Carolyn finally asked, snuggling deeper into the crook of Therese’s neck. “Would you do me favor?”
“Yes, whatever it is.”
“Can we continue what we started earlier?”
It was just a simple request, but Therese’s heart skipped a beat when she heard the longing in Carolyn’s voice. The haste, the urgency she had felt earlier had vanished. They both knew now that they had all the time in the world with each other. And Therese took her time to drink and eat and breathe Carolyn with every touch and every move. Giving her back what she was giving her, sharing the moments of highest happiness and bliss – all that made her almost burst with joy. “I’m afraid you won’t get rid of me ever again,” she whispered as she sank into Carolyn’s arms.
“Good.” Carolyn kissed her tenderly on the lips. “Because I love you.”
* * *
Therese woke up from her slumber by a loud knocking. She opened her eyes reluctantly and noticed that Carolyn was still sleeping next to her.
Before Therese could react, the door opened and an elegantly dressed woman with nut-brown hair entered the room. “Carol, I …” She stopped in mid-sentence when she spotted Therese. “Who are you, if I may ask?” she asked, half surprised, half indignant.
Therese wondered what kind of an impertinent person had the nerve to burst into another person’s bed chamber without even waiting for a response to their knock. “And who are you, if I may ask?” she hissed back.
Only now, the woman spotted Carolyn’s blonde shock of hair under the blanket and finally managed to apologize. “Oh, I’m sorry, Carol, I didn’t know …”
“Abigail?” Carolyn opened her eyes and stared at the door in confusion. “What are you doing here?”
“We have an appointment, my dear. Did you forget that?” Abigail shot a meaningful glance at Therese who rubbed her eyes in disbelief. Since when did mistresses and their servants appointments?
“Oh …” Carolyn sat up in her bed. “I’m really sorry, Abigail. This is Therese, by the way. Therese, this is Abigail, my … servant and … friend.”
“I see.” And what a nice servant she was. That woman was neither dressed like one, nor did she behave like one. And why did she call Carolyn Carol[i]? Therese mutely cursed her own naivety. How could she have talked about a future together with Carolyn? She had no idea what was going on in her life. How could she be so stupid and think that Carolyn hadn’t done anything else but wait for her in the last fifteen years? They didn’t really know each other anymore.
“Nice to meet you.” Abigail looked at Therese with the same mistrustful expression as vice versa. “I think I’d better wait outside,” she stated and closed the door again.
Therese turned to Carolyn as soon as they were alone again and was about to say something when Carolyn started to laugh. “What’s so funny?” she asked angrily. “Who does this woman think she is?”
“Oh, that’s just Abigail,” Carolyn chuckled. “That’s the way she is.”
“Do you sleep with her?”
“Excuse me?” Carolyn sounded indignantly, but she couldn’t keep her face from flushing.
“I guess that’s a yes,” Therese stated coolly and got out of the bed to pick up her clothes from the floor.
“Therese, please, don’t be like that.” Carolyn left the bed as well. “Abigail has become a true friend over the years.”
“I can see that,” Therese muttered. “Why don’t you admit that something is going on between the two of you? My goodness, she calls you [i]Carol!” Therese uttered the last words with the most possible contempt.
“My father called me that and Abigail liked it.” Carolyn took Therese’s hand and sat down on the edge of the bed with her. “You’re right, Therese. I did spend one night with her.” She let go of Therese’s hands but pleaded her with her eyes to stay seated. “It was just one time and it was years ago.” She grabbed Therese’s chin and forced her to look at her. “I had hoped it would be a way to forget you, but it didn’t work,” she added with a sigh. “So we didn’t repeat it.”
“Is she … married?” Therese asked, still skeptical.
“No.” Carolyn shook her head. “She’s like us.”
“Like us?”
“Yes.” Carolyn pulled the blanket over her body when she started to get cold and covered Therese’s back as well. “She’s secretly involved with another woman, a Duchess who is, of course, married. That’s all I’m allowed tell you.”
“Does she know about us?”
“Yes.” Carolyn nodded. “I didn’t tell her, but she read it between the lines.”
“Your friend is jealous.”
“No, she’s trying to protect me.” Carolyn gently put her hand on Therese’s knee. “I was really hurt when I never heard from you, so it’s no wonder that Abigail is suspicious towards you.”
A loud barking outside of the house interrupted their conversation. “Oh, that’s Dannie.” Therese jumped up to get dressed. “Nerinda and Philippe are back.”
“Who is Dannie?” Carolyn asked alarmed, quickly picking up her clothes from the floor.
“My dog.” Therese laughed as she saw Carolyn’s dumbfounded expression. “I could hardly leave him in Rome.” She gave Carolyn a quick kiss on the cheek before she started to dress herself. “You will like him. He likes to cuddle.”
“You’re still full of surprises.” Carolyn shook her head but Therese saw that she was smiling. “What does Philippe know?” she asked while lacing her shoes. “Did Nerinda tell him anything?”
“No, he doesn’t know anything.” Therese briefly pushed her index finger under her chest bandage to remove the unevenness before she put on her shirt. “I think he suspects that we had an affair in the past, but he doesn’t know …”
“… that you are a woman?”
“Yes.” Therese buttoned up the last button of her shirt and helped Carolyn stringing her dress. “Do you think we should tell him?”
“I’m afraid we’ll have to.” Carolyn caught her breath as Therese’s hand brushed her breast while stringing her dress. “But we won’t tell him about … about you and me. I don’t know him well enough.”
“Very well.” Therese kissed Carolyn’s neck after she had finished her task and opened the door. “Are you ready?”
“Not yet.” Carolyn pulled her back and demanded one last kiss. “Don’t forget that in a way, this is your family too now.” She adjusted her hairdo one last time, before she followed Therese through the door.
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